“DEC. 17, 2012, By RYAN O’CONNELL
1. In New York, you’re only allowed to be an asshole if you’re interesting. You have to earn the privilege of behaving like a dick. In Los Angeles, however, you can just be a dick. No funny jokes or good personality needed!
2. Los Angeles is the land of delusions. You can live your life thinking you’re the best invention since sliced bread and no one will question your self-importance. New York is different though. Living here basically entails being humiliated on a daily basis. It’s like being served a slice of humble pie over and over again. So even if you do develop an ego and start to think you’re the shit, there will always be something waiting to bring you back down to Earth.
3. The standards of beauty in L.A. are wildly different from New York’s. L.A. is all about looking healthy, refreshed and athletic. Juice cleanses (aka starvation), hikes up Runyon Canyon (three times in one day), and a natural tan (secretly produced in a tanning bed). Meanwhile, New Yorkers want to look they’re on the verge of death 24/7. To achieve this look, they make sure their skin resembles that of a corpse and flaunt their malnourished figure proudly. “No, honey, this body was not brought to you by exercise and kale…”
4. People in Los Angeles are always between projects. Ask them what they do for a living and you will NEVER get a straight answer. They work in the entertainment industry? They’re a pet psychic? They’re someone’s life coach? Oh, but they’re thisclose to getting a deal with so-so, which will catapult them to overnight fame. With New York, it’s like, you better be doing something fantastic with your life because people don’t just move here and hemorrhage money just to be between projects.
5. People in L.A. always say that they want to move to New York one day. “It’s been a dream! I’m just so jealous that you get to live there!” It’s as if New York is some untouchable entity that employs a lottery to decide who gets to live here. New Yorkers, on the other hand, constantly talk about leaving the city. “But I could never move to L.A., ugh. I hate it there. OMG, maybe San Francisco though. I’ve never been but I think I would love it!”
6. Living in L.A. is such a pain in the ass logistically that if you manage to do it, you can live pretty much anywhere else and it’ll be considered an improvement. New Yorkers are screwed though. They really can’t go anywhere else. The city turns them into Martians that don’t translate outside of the metropolitan area.
7. Dating in L.A. is mystery. HOW DO YOU MEET ANYONE? In New York, it’s easier but no one wants to ever settle down. They’re too busy screwing themselves to ever really screw you.
8. In New York, you’re considered wealthy if you have a dishwasher in your apartment. In L.A., you’re rich if you live in a mansion.
9. L.A. feels like a Xanax, like your limbs have been dipped in a vat of pudding. You’re always weirdly sleepy, even though you haven’t really done anything. Perhaps it’s because the sun is always beating down on you? In New York, you always feel like you’re halfway through drinking that cup of coffee you didn’t need.
10 L.A. knows how to make a good fucking salad. New York knows how to make a good fucking bagel. Somehow this crucial difference is more telling than anything else. “